Sunday, 22 December 2013

This blog post might never see the light of day.  If you are reading this, I am dead.  Nope, I just watch too many movies to not be able to pass up an opportunity to use that line.  If you are reading this, then I actually got all my emotions out onto the page, read through it, thought it might be ok and hit ‘publish’.  I have been toying with the idea of writing it for a while but I always wuss out of actually setting down pen to paper.  Or fingers to keyboard I suppose the equivalent is.
2013 has not been a good year for me.  It has been hard.  But like, hard in a poor little rich white girl way.  I realise that other people would have been grateful to have my life this year.  That they would have breezed through this year. 
Somewhere along the way this year, I lost my joie de vivre. I realised it very clearly when I stopped watching ‘Doctor Who’ and didn’t care.  (See what I mean about ‘poor little rich girl’ syndrome?).  I stopped going to church.  I stopped going out.  I stopped seeing most of my friends.  I isolated myself and self-medicated with binge eating and marathoning TV shows.
I have a lot of anger inside.  I don’t know what I’m angry about.  My mum has asked me that question several times over this year and the closest idea I can grasp is “dissatisfaction with myself personally and with my life”.  And then it’s a vicious cycle because I really do have a great life so then I get mad at myself for feeling so dissatisfied and empty with my life.
I’ve kind of had enough of it all.  Of constantly being unhappy.  Of constantly fighting to fit in and fake it.
So fuck it.  (I only ever swear on paper, I think I’ve said the eff word out loud once in my life.  Let’s be real.  I still call it “the eff word” but it feels appropriate to use it in this situation.  Sorry mum if you ever read this.)
Something has to change.  I realise that you can’t simply flick a switch from ‘unhappy’ to ‘happy’ but I feel like I should at least try.
My friend Kristy and I are always coming up with schemes to try and do things and be more active and outgoing and social and fun.  We always fail miserably.  But I feel like our next plan is different.  I genuinely feel like it might work.  And hope is good.  We have called it “2014: The Year of Making it Happen”™.  Ok you have no idea how smiley it made me when the TM I typed became a little ™.  It’s the little things, right?  That’s what people say. And the little things can snowball into big things.
tl;dr I feel like shit about life and myself but am slowly feeling better and am working hard on next year being better than this one.  Because it really has to be.
This is also the last blog post I’m going to write on this account.  I’m going to start up a new one, one chronicling the new year. 
To 2014: The Year Of Making It Happen™


Katie said...

I shall raise a glass to The Year Of Making It Happen(TM)! It sounds as though you are going into 2014 with a fantastic mindset and I hope it rewards you well.

Danielle said...

I love you a lot and I HATE HATE HATE that this year has been so sucky for you. I really hate it and I wish I could wave a wand and make everything right for you. But I'm so excited about your plans for 2014 and I will be praying for you and following along in your amazing journey.